its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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