I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
