its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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