so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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