I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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