I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
