i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
