i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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