Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
