So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
