i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
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she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
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So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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