Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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