It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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