roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
