what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
time to smoke my breakfast
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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