I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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