but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
