somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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