god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
