so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
