Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She said her name was "party"
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
