I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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