Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
