I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
