Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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