Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
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I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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