So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
