I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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