haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
