And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
