I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
