I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
