So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
