He is such a slut. More and more my type.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I am available for nakedness
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
