She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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