Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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