What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
