i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
