I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
