his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
