I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
