mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
