I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
