Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
