I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
