So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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