This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
someone owes me an orgasm
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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