so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
