I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
His hands were made for my vagina.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
