please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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