I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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