there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
