When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
