i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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